Depression, circa 1979

It appears from this cartoon dated 12/79 and published in a student newspaper that I was depressed when I was a student at the UW.

According to IMDb, Star Trek: The Motion Picture came out on Dec. 7, 1979. I probably drew this comic strip over Christmas break when I had no homework. In hind site I had no grounds for depression. I was happily married, happily employed as a youth pastor, and happily selling cartoons to Leadership Journal and the Saturday Evening Post. What was so depressing? The relentless clash between my fundamentalist mind and secular university. Other recollections of gloominess....

During a lecture by Ralph Nader I was this close (thumb and finger almost touching) to asking him, "What's the point of consumer protection and truth in advertising? We're all going up in flames eventually anyway."

In a rhetoric class wherein I presented a pro life position more students became pro choice after my talk than before. This was a blow to one immersed in a subculture (evangelicalism) where powers of persuasion were a badge of honor. A persuasive speaker I was not.

I held the door open for a female student once and she scolded me for being sexist, "I can open the damn door myself!" A puzzling comment to one who thought being polite was a virtue.

Despite my best attempts at my Francis Schaeffer, Josh McDowell, CS Lewis, Benard Ramm, and Norman Geisler inspired apologetic, profs and hapless fellow students unfortunate enough to fall within earshot remained impervious to my proselytizing. Since I didn't believe the message was at fault it could only have been my delivery, thus cause for shame and guilt.

In a public lecture earlier that year I asked Madelyn Murray O'Hare what hope atheism had to offer a guy like Woody Allen who was afraid to die. She told me, "He has to face it; he's going to die like all of us." Then for effect she ripped pages out of a Gideon Bible laughing maniacally and mocking God, "If you're real, please strike me dead for blasphemy." I never expected matters of faith to be popular, but an object of ridicule? My, my, my.

I have an armload of other drawings from that era [of talking heads by the way] but they're, well, too depressing to post.

Had I been acquainted with Dr. Q in those days I suspect I'd have enjoyed the camaraderie of a fellow ponderer, flummoxed theologian, and the acknowledgement of existential conundra and mystery. In Ecclesiastes University I'd like to do for today's depressed university students (if there are any left) what I wish somebody had done for me; validated the truth that fundamentalism isn't a coherent, air tight, black/white world view yet there is room for faith, theism, and hope.

Status Update

Thirty-five pages of rough draft number five have been posted on the other site for first readers to scan and comment upon. The feedback has been so helpful I've hit the pause button to rethink the whole premise of this graphic novel. 2000+ talking heads are just too boring. So what are my options?

Make the claim that the boredom is an intentional literary device to further illustrate the message of vanity, absurdity, and pointlessness. This is a bit disingenuous, like the guy who shoots his bow wildly and then draws targets around randomly shot arrows.

Scrap the whole thing and write a stage play or screen play. No more graphic novel? Ouch.

Scrap Ecclesiastes and go mow my lawn. And give up philosophical ruminations? Double ouch.

Reformat the whole thing:

• give students only 2 panels (delete the second row of 1-3 boxes) to riff on Dr. Q. This would essentially cut the book--and boredom--in half. Less is more, but that much less?
• enlarge the size of my printed hard copy thus giving me a larger drawing space in which to draw settings, props, action, etc. This would essentially render my existing 428 pages null and void...after all that work!
• put new words into Dr. Q's mouth; fictionalize him. This would make the finished product "based upon the book of Ecclesiastes" rather than "taking every word of the ancient text as is and seeing it crash against modern thinking."
• keep the format but reduce the number of characters. Theoretically I could cut the number of students in half, combining various traits into one. This would cut down the confusion of who's who but increase confusion about student motives. Currently each student represents one philosophical/emotional point of view. Blending them would make each character complex and self contradictory. Plus, I might get bored with the few students that remain. I like the variety of a huge cast of characters.
• press on hoping readers will eventually identify with the individual characters. This is risky because there is no glue currently keeping readers engaged. Even with spiffed up drawings I suspect the insipid dialog will be lethal. Death by word balloon.
• increase the wit and wisdom of student comments. When I read a really good book I hang on every word, dreading the end. I want it to keep on going. Here's where fantasy crashes against reality. I just don't have the synaptic chops to charm audiences like Steve Martin, Woody Allen, David Sedaris, Dave Barry, Mark Twain, Tina Fey, Robert Benchley, S J Pereleman, Bill Bryson, Daniel Gilbert, Soren Kierkegaard (he knocked 'em dead in Denmark), or (insert name here). 
• press on and hope to find readers with low expectations. Surely in a planet of 7 billion somebody, somewhere likes bad puns, angst overkill, and talking heads.
• abandon audience approval entirely and write the book I wish I had in college. In a later post I'll reproduce some cartoons I drew while at UW '79-'81.
• gamble my reputation on good drawings justifying boring text. This is a huge gamble and I'm notorious for losing gambles. Want proof? My closets are full of manuscripts, wheels, drawings and self published books that failed to garner audience interest. I killed a small forest trying to get traction as a purveyor of peace making comics, sapiential psychology, and mixed metaphors. 
• change my audience. Instead of modern college students perhaps I should aim to connect with fundamentalists. Ecclesiastes is in their book and my graphic novel would call attention to and validate its message. This, however, may prove the hardest sell of all because fundamentalists are disinclined to grapple with randomness, failed theodicies, and the puncturing of tidy systematic theology. Nobody likes to be told the king has no clothes or that Pollyanna providence is a myth. 

I have to leave for work soon so must end this problem solving musing. My inner optimist believes that there is an answer to this somewhere, I just haven't found it yet. I'll mull over these options and see which sticks. 

Sunday Morning Enthusiasm

One symptom of brain/body fatigue is the unleashing of inner demons. Last night when I was too pooped to produce I succumbed to the critical voices in my head, one of which scolds me when I'm not doing stuff. I suspect that inner voice lays dormant when I'm busy (either because I'm producing and thus rendering him/her/it unnecessary, or because the joy of productivity unleashes brain chemicals that neutralize him/her/it).

Either way, in hindsight I attribute my inactivity last night to simple fatigue. It's biochemistry and physics that prevent one from going 24/7. It's distorted cognitions that chastise, criticize, condemn, and berate such a condition calling it slothful and lazy.

This morning I'm refreshed and eager to tackle new and exciting endeavors. Where'd the inner critic go? I think a good night's sleep replenished my psychic energy and those shaming voices have been silenced. Or to change metaphors, during the dark night of the soul my inner critics shine brightly like stars but when my batteries get recharged the sun comes out and makes those stars invisible. (I hope someday to win a Pulitzer for mixed metaphors). The stars (critical voices) are still there but sunshine (psychic recharging) renders them invisible (silent).

After weeding the front yard I watched TV reruns, drank peppermint schnapps and hot cocoa, slept like a baby, and awoke with yesterday's ennui a distant memory. 


What lesson can I draw from this? When inevitable tiredness creeps up on me I will be mindful that in that weakened state I'm not only in need of downtime but I'm also vulnerable to a nasty sub-personality who would drive me to death and flog a dead horse. (Here comes that Pulitzer). When I'm exhausted that sub-personality is powerless to scold a tired body/brain into creativity. And since it can't whip my body into action it yells at me from the sidelines like a demented cheerleader, "Two, four, six, eight, who do we excoriate?" 


Off to have a great day! 

Saturday Night Ennui

It's Saturday night, 6:00 PM. I'm pulled in over a dozen different directions, and none. It's too early for bed...so here are my options.

1. Wash dinner dishes. My menu items tonight all started with C: corn, chicken, cookies, beer.

2. Weed the front yard. Dandelions are poking through the beauty bark.

3. Mow the back yard. I've let the back half go native; it's now out of control.

4. Weed whack everywhere.

5. Read more of The Righteous Mind by Jonathan Haidt. Great book; could be relevant to my graphic novel.

6.  Watch the Olympics. I turned it on briefly and watched 4 man volley ball for 2 minutes. That'll hold me 4 years.

7. Work on Ecclesiastes University script, day 8. The dialog is not only not funny, it's worse than a poke in the eye with a sharp Prismacolor pencil. That book is my priority but the creative juices aren't flowing. I just can't muster the enthusiasm to create more insipid prose. (Although the new character I introduce in that chapter has an Italian accent that I think I nailed!)

8. Work on a billable project that's due Wed. It'll be a disaster if I don't get that project finished. But I just can't muster the oomph. Maybe tomorrow.


9.  Go somewhere? I spent two hours with Vicki this afternoon and she spent the remainder of the afternoon at a baby shower for our daughter who is expecting. I spent last night at a philosophical discussion group. I had about 20 client hours this past week. I'm not isolated or starved for people. But I am antsy sitting here battling decision over-load and motivation under-load.


10. De-clutter our house. There are rooms and closets and boxes and sheds to empty out. That project would be a gift to my kids. Yet I need my kids to coach me on what to save and what to junk. 


11. Chase flies with my new electric fly swatter. My inner Hindu shudders every time I fry a fly; my inner No Fly Zone rejoices at the snap and sparks. I am conflicted. 


12. Catch up on news re. Colorado massacre in a movie theater. I could hold back my tears and gag reflex re. the insanity; but the ads depicting cuddling couples puts me in an even fouler mood. 


13.  I'm tired of Facebook, Youtube videos of wicked guitar players, and the herky-jerky stream of Netflix. Even if the pictures/words weren't maddeningly out of sync, I'm too antsy to sit still for 90 mindless minutes.


14. Practice silence and serenity. Renounce productivity. Be, not do. Yeah, like that's going to happen. 


One of my purposes of this blog is to document my maddening predilection to boredom and waning interest. It's a personal trait I very much dislike; I'd be very happy if I could discover the magic pill, silver bullet, energy booster for endless creativity and steady productivity. 


Of all of the options above I think item #2 would give me a needed change and provide the satisfaction of a weed free front yard. I'm off to get a pitchfork and attack those weeds. 

Graphic Novels and the Ecclesiastes' World View

If one ever had second thoughts about investing six to twelve (or more) months of their life creating a graphic novel based on Ecclesiastes one could turn to the Hebrew scripture itself and with a little ingenuity construct an apologetic for such a task.

"Everything is meaningless." This being the case one might as well create a graphic novel as cure disease or mow lawns.

"The eye never has enough of seeing." This being the case one might as well make pictures to satiate ocular cravings.

"I denied myself nothing my eyes desired." This being the case one might as well indulge their dream of creating a Tin Tin like novel.

"[Heirs] will control all the work into which I have poured my effort and skill."  This being the case one might as well leave heirs a graphic novel. What would they do with Microsoft stock, anyway?

"There is a time to laugh." This being the case one would rather leave heirs something comic rather than tragic.

"All achievement spring from a man's envy." This being the case one might as well try to create a second graphic novel to win a Pulitzer Prize. Why should Art Spiegelman (MAUS) have all the fun?

"As goods increase...what benefit are they to the owner except to feast his eyes on them." This being the case what's wrong with one doing their best to create objets d'art?

"The end of a matter is better than the beginning." This being the case one might as well finish what he started.

"There is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man's misery weighs heavily upon him." This being the case one might as well assuage grief with creativity.

"I commend the enjoyment of life." This being the case one might as well find joy in questioning sages from ancient history who asked questions.

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might." This being the case one might as well spend hour after hour with a mouse clicking, dragging, clicking, dragging, clicking, dragging.....

"You do not know what will succeed." This being the case one might as well invest months and months creating art in a genre that has traditionally been ignored by mainstream literary critics due to the perception that these works are primarily entertainment, intended for children or adolescents, with little or no lasting literary merit.

"Of the making of books there is no end." This being the case one might as well add one more paper product to the Library of Congress.

But if one never has second thoughts about investing 1/60th of their life making a big comic book the above is moot. 

Managing Grief by Managing Energy

Work on the second stage of this graphic novel continues; I'm spiffing up the dialog, tweaking the layout, and most importantly, tracking with the grand arc of the narrative. It's fun but slow. In lieu of an update I digress to talk about grief. 

I’ve mentioned in earlier posts I'm a 59 year old husband (of 34 years) to a wife who contracted Alzheimer’s dementia five+ years ago. Here are further reflections on my plight.

Somewhere in my circuitous journey into adulthood, mid life, and approaching third-third (age 60-90 will be the third and last part of my three part life), I picked up the mental habit of thinking Either-Or. For every problem there are at least two solutions. I’ve written a book on this subject: Either Or.

Click here for link

• To lose weight one either exercises more or cuts back on calories.
• To budget one either earns more or cuts back on expenses.
• To let light onto film in an old single lens reflex camera one either opens the aperture wider or lengthens the shutter speed (this one I learned from my dad the amateur photographer).
• Reinhold Niebuhr taught us we either change what we can change or accept what we can’t change.
• Proverbs says, “If you falter in times of trouble how small is your strength.” To not falter one either reduces one’s times of trouble or increases their strength.

Since I’m not able to reduce my wife’s medical troubles, the other option is to increase my strength. I do this by balancing the energy drains with the energy boosts. Each person’s drains and boosts will differ; here are mine with an arbitrary point value for illustrative purposes.

Energy drains	Cost
Visiting Vicki in the nursing home	20
Not visiting Vicki in the nursing home	30
Making up for a lost visit	50
Making a mistake in my counseling practice--not getting a signature, writing court reports without charging, double booking, forgetting names, triangulating. (Thankfully infrequent).	100
Glitches in my computer, cell phone, printer, etc	200
Listening to Paul McCartney’s Yesterday or My Valentine	300
Drinking hot cocoa at bedtime with 1 oz. of peppermint Schnapps	25
News reports of Christian incivility, cold hearted greed, selfishness, and/or insanity	100

Energy boosts	Gain
*Blockbuster movies	75
Good night’s sleep	75
Writing a blog	50
Writing books (like Ecclesiastes U)	150
Solitude, silence, serene moments of quiet thinking	100
Spirituality	100
Drawing	150
Reading philosophy/psychology/theology books	50
Listening to Sgt. Pepper, White Album, and Revolver	100
Attending a men’s reading group	100
Drinking hot cocoa at bedtime with ½  oz. of peppermint Schnapps	50!
Time with any and all of our five kids and their mates, dates, and betrotheds	150
Writing light verse  in the vein of Ogden Nash, Theodore Roethke, or Richard Armour	50

By doing a daily mental/emotional spot-check I make sure the gains outweigh the costs so my energy isn’t depleted. When I am depleted (which happens) I am moody, sullen, weepy, morose, and gloomy. When well-managed I’m optimistic, cheerful, and full of creativity.

Daniel Gilbert in Stumbling on Happiness says we tend to overestimate how bad our futures will be by forgetting to imagine the good things that are in store. When I imagine my future I’m overwhelmed with sorrow IF and ONLY IF I forget to sprinkle throughout that imaginary future the very real positives that await me: friends, family, good meals, good sleep, and good Schnapps (as readers of Ecclesiastes will understand).

*A list of blockbusters will follow in a future blog post.

Not Going Public: Ten Reasons

I know a lot of people; I have told none of them of this blog. Why?

1.  Self promotion (and working the social networks) tires me. If someone stumbles on this blog, fine. But I'd rather use my brain cells to create/write a graphic novel than build an audience.
2.  I've written and self published at least 30 books (humor, therapy, theology, autobiography, art), all of which have been met with deafening silence. That silence always proves to be highly dispiriting. I can't risk that with this important work of art.
3.  If I were to have followers I'd feel obligated to feed them posts. This would drastically change the leisurely freedom I now enjoy to post whenever the muses nudge me (which is surprisingly often these days).
4.  If I were to get positive comments I'd feel obligated to respond in kind; if I were to get negative comments I'd be tempted to defend myself. Both of these tasks would sap my creative juices.
5. One of the reasons the "talking cure" works in psychotherapy and analysis is because a stream of consciousness narrative (with little analyst interaction) uncorks creativity, self knowledge, and insight. Posting blogs to no one is like talking to a silent analyst.
6.  Ecclesiastes 11:1-2 commends "casting one's bread upon the waters," and "dividing your portion to seven or eight." I am purposely disregarding this otherwise sound advice simply to be rebellious.
7.  Difficult life circumstances (my wife's illness) fuel this literary/artistic endeavor. Even though I don't discuss it much here, I feel the freedom to do so should the urge ever come over me. Were I to have followers I'd be much more reluctant to discuss my battle with negative emotions. I purposely avoid self disclosure with clients.
8.  Once I start putting ink to paper, color to ink, and inked pages to web, I will then announce to friends where to read Ecclesiastes U. I imagine readers will be much more interested in the finished product than these behind the scenes discussions. Musing about creating a graphic novel is like discussing how sausage is made.
9. A part of me thinks this blog would be of interest to philosophers, English teachers, creative writing teachers, Bible teachers, artists, theologians, depressed folks, psychologists, and cartoonists. Were I to snag one of these groups it would influence future posts. Right now I can babble on about any of these themes without worrying about leaving the other readers with special interests bored.
10.  I am connected professionally to clients, relationally to family, socially to Twitterers, Facebookers, and bloggers, and I am connected economically to vendors, agencies, and retailers. These high touch connections make this secret life of solitude, reflection, and creativity an energy giving endeavor.
11. I have one role and one role only with my clients: counselor. Self disclosure is rare, rare, rare. In this blog I have one role and one role only, disclose, disclose, disclose. Ne'er the twain shall meet.
12. I can't count.