Managing Grief by Managing Energy

Work on the second stage of this graphic novel continues; I'm spiffing up the dialog, tweaking the layout, and most importantly, tracking with the grand arc of the narrative. It's fun but slow. In lieu of an update I digress to talk about grief. 

I’ve mentioned in earlier posts I'm a 59 year old husband (of 34 years) to a wife who contracted Alzheimer’s dementia five+ years ago. Here are further reflections on my plight.

Somewhere in my circuitous journey into adulthood, mid life, and approaching third-third (age 60-90 will be the third and last part of my three part life), I picked up the mental habit of thinking Either-Or. For every problem there are at least two solutions. I’ve written a book on this subject: Either Or.

Click here for link

• To lose weight one either exercises more or cuts back on calories.
• To budget one either earns more or cuts back on expenses.
• To let light onto film in an old single lens reflex camera one either opens the aperture wider or lengthens the shutter speed (this one I learned from my dad the amateur photographer).
• Reinhold Niebuhr taught us we either change what we can change or accept what we can’t change.
• Proverbs says, “If you falter in times of trouble how small is your strength.” To not falter one either reduces one’s times of trouble or increases their strength.

Since I’m not able to reduce my wife’s medical troubles, the other option is to increase my strength. I do this by balancing the energy drains with the energy boosts. Each person’s drains and boosts will differ; here are mine with an arbitrary point value for illustrative purposes.

Energy drains	Cost
Visiting Vicki in the nursing home	20
Not visiting Vicki in the nursing home	30
Making up for a lost visit	50
Making a mistake in my counseling practice--not getting a signature, writing court reports without charging, double booking, forgetting names, triangulating. (Thankfully infrequent).	100
Glitches in my computer, cell phone, printer, etc	200
Listening to Paul McCartney’s Yesterday or My Valentine	300
Drinking hot cocoa at bedtime with 1 oz. of peppermint Schnapps	25
News reports of Christian incivility, cold hearted greed, selfishness, and/or insanity	100

Energy boosts	Gain
*Blockbuster movies	75
Good night’s sleep	75
Writing a blog	50
Writing books (like Ecclesiastes U)	150
Solitude, silence, serene moments of quiet thinking	100
Spirituality	100
Drawing	150
Reading philosophy/psychology/theology books	50
Listening to Sgt. Pepper, White Album, and Revolver	100
Attending a men’s reading group	100
Drinking hot cocoa at bedtime with ½  oz. of peppermint Schnapps	50!
Time with any and all of our five kids and their mates, dates, and betrotheds	150
Writing light verse  in the vein of Ogden Nash, Theodore Roethke, or Richard Armour	50

By doing a daily mental/emotional spot-check I make sure the gains outweigh the costs so my energy isn’t depleted. When I am depleted (which happens) I am moody, sullen, weepy, morose, and gloomy. When well-managed I’m optimistic, cheerful, and full of creativity.

Daniel Gilbert in Stumbling on Happiness says we tend to overestimate how bad our futures will be by forgetting to imagine the good things that are in store. When I imagine my future I’m overwhelmed with sorrow IF and ONLY IF I forget to sprinkle throughout that imaginary future the very real positives that await me: friends, family, good meals, good sleep, and good Schnapps (as readers of Ecclesiastes will understand).

*A list of blockbusters will follow in a future blog post.